Gone
by Koos
Summary: Right after Xander had learned about Anya's death from Andrew in Chosen, Giles realized that Xander needed support. A necessary conversation followed.


Disclaimer: This author is only responsible for this fic, not for what happened on television.

Summary: After Xander had learned about Anya's death from Andrew in Chosen, Giles realized that Xander needed support.

* * *

Giles watched as Xander talked to Andrew. He was too far away to hear their conversation, but he knew what they were talking about. He still felt the raw pain when Xander had yelled for her, her name still echoing in his own heart. He felt for Andrew too, for being the messenger. Anya's death only added to the discomfort he felt around the founding Scooby since the youth had lost his eye. He was afraid that Anya's death would push Xander over the edge but was proud to see how his surrogate son bravely dealt with the situation, supporting Andrew in return. His heart skipped a beat . . . Anya.

He followed Xander to the other side of the bus, his heart breaking as the ex-carpenter sunk to the ground. _No lame eye jokes,_ he reminded himself as he collected all his bravery and walked over to the young man and crouched down beside him, saying nothing. "I-I was so stupid."

He had tasted her passion through that one kiss. "I concur." He grinned a bit at Xander's nod. "She was amazing, Xander."

The younger man's one eye turned and stared at him with more than a normal interest. "You loved her." He was surprised by the young man's insight. Or was it so thick in his tone that anybody would have heard it? "Did you ever hate me?" At his puzzled look the young man explained. "F-for killing Ben, I mean. For suggesting it."

Giles blinked. "I-" He pinched the bridge of his glasses. Xander looked patiently at him, demanding honesty. He smiled nervously. "Perhaps, I did."

Xander nodded. "I've done a lot of stupid things, Giles. But, sometimes . . . sometimes it was necessary. Leaving Anya was one of them." Giles didn't know why, but he understood the comparison the young man wanted to make. Tough decisions. "I never told this anyone before, not even Anya. I left her, cuz I was afraid I'd turn out to be like my dad. Good for nothing than being drunk and beating his wife."

Giles suddenly felt sick in his stomach as he heard the loathing in Xander's voice as he spoke about his father. He felt a rush of guilt that he hadn't been at the young man's wedding, if he'd been there.... "Xander, I had the heritage to become a Watcher which meant I had to fulfil my duty with a hard hand. Despite my own doubts and fears I've managed to avoid that despicable path and have managed to mentor the most successful Slayer with her own leadership and her own life. I'm sure that-"

"We dumped her, Giles. We dumped her at the moment she needed us the most."

Giles looked at him for a moment. "I was under the impression that you thought her plan was bollocks."

"I lost my trust in her heart." He sighed. "Anyway, it didn't justify that we allowed her to leave her own house." Giles didn't respond. For a moment his thoughts were distracted by how much his relationship with his Slayer had been strained . . . troubled. But now his concern and attention was for the young man at his side.

However for a moment his thoughts moved to the woman who had tactlessly stolen his shop, his mind and his heart. He marvelled at her deep well of knowledge of the demon world, her intelligence and was touched by her human passion. He pulled off his glasses and started cleaning them, shaking his unwanted thoughts away. "Xander, there's no doubt in my mind that you would NOT become the man you just described. Anya would never allow herself to fall in love with such a man."

Xander nodded. "I know."

Giles had replaced his glasses and was just in time not to miss the hint of fear in the single brown eye. It was enough for him to realize the seriousness of the situation. He definitely had to pay more attention to his son. "Xander, you're one of the most valuable and highly regarded members of this team. You have fought for seven years at our side with nothing more than your bravery, humanity and determination." Xander was visibly surprised by his praise. Encouraged, he pressed on. "If you can survive the horrors of the hellmouth you can most definitely avoid the path your father has travelled on."

Xander's face fell slightly. "I know. That's why I've asked her to marry me after the battle is over." Xander's word hit him like a sledgehammer. The young man had managed to win her love and her trust back. Amazing. "It's okay, Giles. I'm glad that I asked and that she said yes. I know she died happy, that she knew I loved her." Giles marvelled the way the ex-carpenter dealt with this. He'd have been devastated if sides were switched. The Brit's mind travelled back to the blond ex-demon. It was how she took care of him when he thought he was going to die that touched him. The sincere concern in her brown eyes. He ripped out of his thoughts as Xander continued. "You need to talk to Buffy, Giles. About what happened between the two of you. Y'know. About Ben. Dawn. Spike. The longer you wait the tougher it becomes."

"There's not much to say."

Xander shook his head. "You're hiding." The young American stared at him. "And if there's someone who knows about hiding than it's me. An' before you know it you're bitter."

"I'm not bitter," he lied.

"Anya is dead, Giles. And if you want your hugs other than from me, I suggest you talk to Buffy and Will too. Doin' nasty spells with her isn't 'nuff." Xander smiled at the look he must have given him. "Don't worry about me. I've got plenty from 'em."

Giles' heart filled with the memory of her tight hug to make sure he wasn't The First. How much he longed for a human touch. How she smelled. He forced himself back on track. "I can assure you that Buffy and I'll have a conversation. However, I'm worried about you. I know how it feels to lose someone close to your heart. You and Anya had grown much closer than Jenny and I had the chance to."

"I'm fine."

The words were indistinct, but nonetheless it was said and felt like the breakthrough he was hoping for. "We all deal with loss in a different way. You're in shock."

"I thought she was a demon," Xander said, his big brown eye wide open and fully directed at him. "Even after almost three years she had turned human. Vengeance had never left her heart." Giles remained silent as he patiently waited for the young man to continue. His mind travelled to the past . . . to the moment he first had met Xander. For a very long time Xander had appeared to be the stereotyped American teenager, filled with hormones, bad clothing, lame jokes and idiocy. Americans. Stupidity that he and Anya had always marvelled about 'em. Only Willow was an exception, a rare gift. But, under that surface hid a complicated and intelligent young man who was much more troubled than he had ever realized. Giles felt the sudden rush of guilt that he had never taken the time to visit Xander's parents and learn about his childhood life. If only he had known. "How could I expect? Who was I fooling?" Xander looked in front of him, his tone remained sad and serious as he continued. "It's not like I can show my big heart and wipe out 1100 years of tormenting men out of her system by saying that I love her." He shook his head and pointed to the wreckage that was once good old Sunnydale. "Buffy did." Giles nodded imperceptibly. Spike had saved the world. But, how much had the vampire really changed? he wondered. "Don't forget Angel," Xander added, seemingly able to read Giles thoughts. "He offered his chance for redemption so he could be her backup." Giles frowned a little. He hadn't thought about that. Buffy had planned her campaign well. Maybe . . . God, where were the times he had supported her through good and bad times? When had he stopped to be a father and a mentor? Where went it wrong? He felt his victim struggle. Cutting off his air. "But, I'm not Buffy. I'm Xander, son of the House of Harris. The next in a long line of drunken wife-beaters."

_She's a hero, you see. She's not like us._

Life drained away under his hands. Something snapped inside him. "Bloody hell! Stop whining like you're like your pathetic father. Grow up, man! Y've no idea how lucky you were to have had such a wonderful lady! She loved you with everything she had and you left her!"

Xander blinked and was obviously surprised by the sudden appearance of Ripper. But the young man recovered quickly. "You think she loved me?" he said, remarkably calm.

"Yes, she did. They all love you. Isn't that bloody marvellous? Willow, Buffy and Dawn they **all** love you and the only woman left that showed some care for **me** is gone forever and all you bloody can think of is how stupid you have been."

"Then you shouldn't have left 'em," Xander retorted ruthlessly to his vehemently spoken words. "Then you shouldn't have betrayed Buffy."

"I didn't have a choice and it's not your business. It's personal."

"Damn right Buffy is personal. **Everything** that's Buffy, Willow, Dawn and Anya **is** my business." He waited for a split second and continued with a lost tone. "So are you. You were a father to me. Damn. We were family, Giles." This caught the middle-aged man by surprise and Ripper shifted back under his normal self. "We were family," the young man echoed. Memories of the enjoining spell resurfaced. The closeness and dreams they had shared. "Why weren't you on my wedding?" Xander asked, his tone gentle. "The real reason, please."

The Brit glanced at Xander's determined face for a few seconds and removed his glasses for inspection and cleaning._Why wasn't he there?_ he asked about himself. "I blamed you for having suggested to kill Ben. I blamed you for allowing Willow to perform that bloody spell." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and put his glasses back on. They were excuses. "But, that was last year. You didn't fail me when you brought back Willow." He looked at him, his face couldn't hide his sadness mixed with shame. "I loved her, Xander," he admitted softly. "That's the real reason."

"You loved her," Xander said, a smile breaking through his straight face. "That's okay." The smile widened. "Buffy, Will, Dawn and I care for you too, Giles." His surrogate son laid a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Don't you think you should look for women more like your own age?"

"Well, I got the distinctive impression that I was closer to her age than you were. Not to mention much more experienced."

Xander chuckled. They were silent for a while, until the carpenter broke the quiet. "S-sometimes, the only thing you want is to be touched, to be loved and let the world with all its problems be damned," the young man said as he looked up at him. "But you can't, because the world that's a place you friends live in and their problems are your problems too. So, you sacrify a part of yourself for 'em, with bitterness as its cold substitute."

Giles was stunned by Xander's words and didn't know how to react to them. That was in a nutshell his life. He gave him a small smile. "That was her power, Giles. She knew when you were alone and -" Xander stopped as he looked at the Brit intently for a moment. "That **you** needed a hug," he added, changing from third person to second. He paused a moment and looked down. "Well, we all knew, she only wasn't restricted by those stupid human customs and rules to do so." The Brit grinned and nodded in understanding and look away for a moment. "That's why Andrew and me invited you for a classic game of Dungeons and Dragons. Y'know, to make you feel at home."

The middle-aged man smiled at him, slightly embarrassed and suddenly brought his arm around the younger man, who returned the gesture. Wrapped up in thoughtless thoughts, he was unaware that another arm had slid over his waist. He turned his head to the left and looked straight into the beaming expression of his Slayer, who quickly kissed him on the cheek. His smile widened slightly and he looked at the other side to notice that Willow had taken her place at Xander's side.


End file.
